Before I get started I thought I had a title for this post; choose life. Blog mate Jason suggested these titles: Scott presents the Downward Elevator, Being Stuck by a Prick, The Light at the End of the Tunnel... Is Just an Oncoming Train. Helpful as always, Jason, thanks ;)
We'll get back to the dating post at some point when I'm more in the mood to date. Until then, I'm going to jump into a little post on choosing life. Hang with me here, I promise this will go somewhere. Where exactly? That I can't answer, but its going to go somewhere. That is my promise to you. (How's that for some lawyer doublespeak?)
Earlier, I posted one of my all-time favorite movie quotes. In case you are wondering and haven't seen the movie, Trainspotting, is a funny, yet harsh look at the world of heroin addiction. It's based on a book,
of the same name, by Irvine Welsh. Frankly, the book makes the movie seem like a children's play. But I digress, the movie has great actors, great music, great dialogue and an actual story. You are probably saying "hey loser boy, heroin addiction, real effin' funny. I bet it's a laugh a minute." Is it a laugh a minute, of course not. Is it a really good movie that has some really funny parts, it sure as hell is.
I'm not here to debate the overall qualities of the movie. I'm here to focus on that quote because, interestingly enough, the quote has had a lot of meaning in my life of late. To give the quote some context, it is spoken twice in the movie. It is first spoken at the beginning of the movie, when our "hero" Renton, has decided to move back into his seedy world. The quote is repeated at the end of the movie, when Renton has exacted sweet justice on the two friends who didn't give a shite about him and he has decided to choose life. While Renton is speaking, in the background there is a song from Underworld called "Born Slippy". For whatever reason that song, to me really emphasizes the impact of his decision to choose life. It's one of those songs that you make up your own lyrics to, and when you read the real lyrics, you're like WTF.
To me that quote has never been about life or death. In fact, I think to view the quote as a question of life or death is totally missing the beauty of it. It is someone stepping up to the plate to answer some hard, unpleasant questions. I mean the questions are right there in the quote. Just for some self-flagellating fun, I'll answer some of those questions tonight. (I know, I know "self-flagellating isn't a real word, but self-flagellation is, and I'm a wanna-be lawyer so eff it, it's my co-blog and I'm the head bitch).
So let's giddy up into the psyche of your host, Scott.
Choose life? Check, giddy up, never thought anything different. I'm too big a bitch not to live.
Still have cancer mood swings? Check.
Still a pain in the ASS? Double giddy up. To quote Breakfast Club, "you mess with bull you get the horns." (OH so lame). Next question, please.
Choose a job. Next question please.
Choose a career. WHAT THE F*CK, you dirty rotten SOB... how dare you ask me TWO job-related questions back to back. Who in the hell do you think you are? (In case you are wondering that is my evil twin Ike).
Ok the career/job question. Yes I would like one. Technically, I'm trained to be a lawyer. In fact I'm trained to be a bulldog intellectual property attorney. Not only that, most professors and lawyers think I'm pretty bad ass. Hell, I've got my Juris Doctorate, passed the Texas Bar Exam (4th hardest in the US) and I'm finishing up my master of laws. Pretty nice items for a resume, don't ya think?
Well whoopie FUCKING do!!!! What does all that mean? It means I busted my ass,(hardly) but in terms of the real world, I haven't done shite but go to school. So here I bloody well stand, going well I'm supposed to be a lawyer now and guess what I don't wanna. (Toss in temper tantrum here).
I promised some self flagellation, so let's get to work.
Hey bro, uh no offense, you could be making like $100k a year. Yes I know that, thank you for reminding me.
Dude you spent like 5 years doing all this law stuff and you don't want to practice? WTF? Yes, I know and I spent like $100k doing it. Who is the smart one now?
So now big stud wanna be lawyer what are you really qualified to do? Well, I can build you a computer and re-wire your kitchen, how's that sound? Oh btw, I can cook lunch for the crew.
Well that's just really super freakin' duper, so let me translate this you can't do shite? Yep, basically. I don't have any real world experience and I want a job that doesn't exist.
Dude, cry me a river... you still have a blog to write on and no one is beating you up every day. So quit yer whining and get a freakin' job. Yes, you are exactly right I have nothing to whine about. So about that job, do you have one for a recovering lawyer, wanna be businessman who is overqualified for a salesman position?
Yeah, sure whatever sucks to be you... lawyer boy. Next question, please.
Choose family. CHECK!! Awesome family, they support my decisions, don't give me too much shite and are there when I need them. Everything is awesome on that front, thanks for asking!!
Big tv? I had a BIG ONE in 1990's terms but that's an issue for another time. Let's move on to something with more meat.
Ok, fine by me.
Choose your friends. Wow, you are asking some fun questions tonight, not. Friends, yes I like them. In fact, once upon a time I thought I knew everything there was to know about friends. I thought I knew how to make friends and keep friends. Well before I answer that let me give you a little friend history. I've always been good at making friends and pretty good at keeping them. Unfortunately, I live in a town where my friends aren't close and I don't get to see them as much. Not to mention most of them are married, which I assure you is great, just not conducive for partying visits. Sure there is the rare visit to Dallas, but usually it is upon me to go visit them. For the most part I don't mind doing that, except that it reminds me I'm the single one.
OHHHHHHH, great, some more whining... do you always have to be a whiner?
WELL... I try not to be, I guess my answers sometimes seem like that. Let me get back to my earlier point. I'm blessed with great friends. I mean friends that you have your back. Some people say they only have one best friend in their life and I have 4 of them. Four freakin' guys that have my back no matter what. Those are some good odds.
Well look at the big man on campus, four best friends. Honestly, I'm just lucky and met some people who can put up with my shite. I have almost lost a couple of them and that wasn't fun.
Example? Well, one friend who I have known since kindergarten got married about 1 1/2 years ago. Frankly, I wasn't very supportive of the union. It wasn't because I didn't like her, I did, I guess I thought knew better than he did on his life. More importantly, I didn't want to lose a friend and that was my perception. A friend getting married means I lost them. I knew better but for some reason every time a friend gets married, I go into some freaky friendship courtship. It’s like I have to win them back to be my friend.
May I recommend some counseling? Very funny, go for it.. recommend all you want. Nonetheless, it has take some time but I realize they are still my friends, our friendship has just changed. When then want advice they will ask and I need to keep my thoughts to myself.
That's nice and all, pretty presumptuous, but what about now?
With most of my best friends, I've been lucky. They have been good to put up with me, listen to me rant and offer advice, even when I don't think I need it. (Fine job, El Guapo!!)
That's nice. Isn't it? Unfortunately, now I stand at the crossroads.
You, the person that can't decide on a job? NOOOOO, say it isn't so. Well I'll be frank with you, I'm at the point that I'm seriously evaluating a lot of things in life, including friendships. I have to admit that is a hard thing to say. It's selfish, presumptuous and probably not a prudent thing to do. That being said, here I stand. In the past month, I've been on a roll. Not a fun roll mind you, just a roll of self evaluation.
So being needy? Possibly, I'd like to think of it as inner growth or some bullshit like that. This is the first time in my life that I have ever questioned my role in my friend's lives and their roles in mine.
Let me digress on that point quickly.
Quickly, he says. Umm this is like 15 pages all ready. But if you must, then you must. Friendships grow, adapt, and change. That much is obvious. A good friend is one that lets you know where you stand. This is where YOU stand. I'm pretty damn self-confident in all but 2 areas, those being dating(yeah the postponed one) and friendships. So back to questioning my role. I guess that little lack of self confidence likes a push in the positive direction every once in a while. Not so much a thank you, but an effort to say, "Hey what's up you have helped me out with this." Maybe it's an acknowledgment that my friendship counts.
Dude, seriously, they still talk to you right? Of course they do, but I'm wondering if that is enough.
Well welcome back Mr. Goody Two Shoes, look at HIM!!! I said this was going to be selfish.
Well at least you got SOMETHING right. So let me get this straight, you are basically saying you have friendships to burn? WELL, if that isn't an ASSHOLE thing to say.
Touchy, touchy Mr. Cancer boy, Mr. Mood Change... Hey, bite me!!! This post is about CHOOSING LIFE. I'm still trying to figure everything out.
Get to the effin' point eh? I'm trying dammit, this isn't as easy as one would think.
Ending friendships, is never easy nor fun. I don't like to do it. In fact, I have been known to go out of my way not to do it. It always comes very reluctantly and with a lot of pain. Us Cancerians do not let things go easily.
Oh nice drop some Zodiac shite on us.. dork.. Well it's true, once we have decided we want something, letting go of it isn't easy. Heaven forbid you date one of us. So I'm at the point where I'm evaluating what I'm getting out of my friendships.
It's all about me. Me, me, me, me!!! Hey, don't back talk me.. .it is about me.. well at least sort of. I'm running out of steam trying to be the "friend to everyone". In a weird way, that's what I try to be. My lack of self confidence manifests itself in a need to please my friends.
You could just let them ask for help. I could let them, but I don't, and when they don' ask, then I think it is because of me. So now what? Well I guess there are two ways I can go. First, I can let things be and just go with the flow. Second, I could just ask and see where I stand.
Interesting and if they say, you rock? Yep that second one doesn't sound too good does it?
Nope.
Sounds like you are asking for something more. I probably am, but it sounds needy.
You needy? Ummm hey you didn't write all THIS and not sound needy... jackass. I guess you are right. I guess what I want is my friends to call me up for once, out of the blue. I want them to make an effort to come visit me instead of them asking for me to come visit. I don't know just something to let me know that they want to be friends. Maybe a little more on the equality front.
I have a feeling that isn't all of it. Of course not!!! This is the part I like to call the "misinterpretation of a friendship", reading what isn't there with your female friends.
Uh oh.. you are a misinterpreter? OH HELL YEAH!!! Giddy up!!!! This section will probably make little sense to anyone but me, so here goes nothing. (
This is the only section that doesn't make sense.. yeah right). I have the uncanny ability to misinterpret a friends (especially female friends) verbal and non-verbal language. It's actually kind of funny, the girl I like doesn't like me but her friend does. I will sit their oblivious to the world and all of sudden her friend is like, "do you like me." Ummm, who are you again?
Very smooth, you are the lady killer aren't you? OH yeah!!! Too put it mildly, sometimes I wonder how I have ever dated someone. That being said, this trait has only got worse as I've gotten my legal training. I'm trained to analyze words and phrases. Mix that into trying to figure out what a woman says or writes and therein lies the problem.
Ok, so you misinterpret... big deal.. unless you have done this with friends? Yep, sure have a few times actually.
A few times ?!!!? Hey what can I say. Most of my girlfriends have been friends in the past. I've been known to cross that line. I knew the line was there, and I crossed it anyways. I'm 50/50 at this point.
If I may quote a song, "The Damage is Done, So I guess I'll Be Leaving". Oh yes, fine job. Really good quote.
So normally you just end the friendship? Normally, yes but I'm trying real hard to rise above that tendency. It isn't going so well.
Just because this is a rare night, let's toss in some more self-flagellation. I'm not typically a jealous guy.
Uh-huh, I can tell... NOT. No really, I'm not the jealous type. My lack of self confidence only kicks in during the dating phase. Once I have the girl, then I'm very mellow.
Likely story, you actually expect anyone to believe that? Ummm, well. I guess it sounds too good to be true.
Duh!! Well, I guess once I've been invited into her life, then I don't feel the need to worry about things. Though the period, between I'm the guy, and she's still debating can be rough.
So that's nice but you still crossed the line didn't you? Yep, sure did. More than once. Then what happened? Well there was always a dilemma, whether I could still be around. Kind of pathetic, but you toss in the pseudo jealously and hey shite happens. Comments that once meant nothing are misinterpreted into perceived slights and other fun stuff. I guess parts of me believe it is easier for all involved, especially myself, to just go away.
So you are choosing life, what about now? I guess that is still up in the air. I have no answers on that one.
Let's leave it there. Yes, that's a good idea. Still lots of life to choose.
Choosing leisurewear and luggage? Ummm I only wear Hugo Boss suits and carry garment bags, so next question please.
Choose DIY and wondering who the f*ck you are on a Sunday morning? Yes... and YES. Next question.
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing f*cking junk food into your mouth. Every once in a while, I do like to do that.
Choose your future. I'm trying. It hasn't been fun.
Choose life. Check!! Though things are changing and I have no idea if they are for the better. Only time can tell. But I'm choosing life!!!